had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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