I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
