im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
