I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
