He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
