I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
