sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Randomize
