I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
