A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
