I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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