you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
