Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
