so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
