My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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