I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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