Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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