My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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