he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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