It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
