When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
