just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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