i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
