All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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