Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
