He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
