and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So much Jack, so little girl.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
