My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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