Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
