he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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