I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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