I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
