Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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