I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
