My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
