Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
no more duck duck goose at the bar
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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