A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
