farters have to be the big spoon...
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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