I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Come share oat with me in your robe
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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