I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
