I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
tonight lets celebrate not being married
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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