Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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