dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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