3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
