Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
