i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
