Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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