THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
