just come out here and I will go home with you...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I think I sprained my soul last night
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
