last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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