so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
