I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
