I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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